Marry Me, Earthmonkey!
by animeninjaNIPPON
Summary: The Tallest have revealed the truth to the outcast Zim, but he'll get a second chance at glory... at the price of an intergalactic wedding! [slash alert]
1. One More Chance

By animeninjaNIPPON

"I'm… not an Invader?"

Zim was having a hard time coming to terms with this bit of news that a frustrated Tallest Red had just dropped on him.

"That's right – you were banished." Red went on to explain (in great detail) the extent of Zim's screw-ups, each explanation sending a dagger into the depths of Zim's Irken soul.

"Surely this is some sort of joke?" Zim asked, hoping against hope.

The word "joke" suddenly made the Tallest regret spilling the beans to Zim – he was, after all, their only source of entertainment. This gave Purple an idea.

"No, it isn't," Purple responded solemnly, before piping cheerfully, "but you CAN rejoin the rankings."

"How?" Zim asked in desperation, banging his gloved fist against the arm of his chair.

"Bring an Earthling to be your bride," Purple replied with an impish grin, "and we'll talk."

Zim's face lit up; his red eyes burning with new life. "As you wish, my Tallest!" He cut the transmission, setting off to do what they wanted.

"Are we REALLY gonna let Zim be an Invader if he marries an Earthling?" Red inquired.

"Of course not," Purple assured him. "I just wanna see where this goes!" With that, they both doubled over in laughter, along with the entire Irken kingdom.

Meanwhile, Zim wasted no time asking his computer for advice on Earthen courtships.

"Insufficient information," the computer replied.

"WHAT?" Zim cried. "Fine, I'll just have to figure this out for myself. Come on, Gir." He turned to his SIR, who was building a tower out of little toy piggies. "We've got to find some pathetic Earthstink that I can bring to show the Tallest, so I can regain my rightful place as Invader ZIM!"

End of part one


	2. Courting

By animeninjaNIPPON

Zim stood on a random street corner disguised as a human boy with a skin condition, with Gir as his green dog.

"I'm going to woo and marry the first human that walks around that corner," Zim vowed as Gir distracted himself with a nearby daisy.

It wasn't a whole minute before a cheery-looking little girl in pigtails pranced down the sidewalk, licking a blue lollipop. Zim stepped out to block her path.

"Hear me, Earth-monkey!" he bellowed, looming over the sweet, innocent child. "You are going to be my Irken bride, and we will live happily ever after in – "

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" the girl squealed, dropping her lollipop and taking off in the opposite direction.

"Well, that was no good," Zim mused. "Gir, what should I do now?"

"Say PREEEEETY things," Gir replied, picking the daisy and handing it to his master.

The next miserable shlubb to bob around the corner was a fat man in a tank top and hot pants. Zim cringed at the thought of spending eternity with that hideous worm baby, but he sucked up his pride and stepped out.

"What spite threw yellow prison breaks?" he said dramatically, trying to quote something he once heard on TV. "It is a stinkbeast, and…uh… marry me, you pretty thing." He presented the fat man with the daisy.

"Sorry, I'm already married," the man said, showing Zim his sock puppet and walking away. The little Irken winced.

"GIR! Now what?"

"Give her a BIIIG kiss!" Gir replied, hugging himself.

Zim's eye twitched as he realized what he had to do. He could already hear footsteps as his soon-to-be soul mate drew ever closer… and closer…

Zim took a deep breath, shut his eyes tightly and pressed his lips to those of the unsuspecting human he threw his arms around. He braced himself to feel pain, but instead felt the human's arms wrap tightly around him and draw him closer, elaborating on the lip-lock. Zim had never felt such a marvelous feeling in his entire existence, and wondered who that extraordinary Earth creature could be. He slowly pulled away, carefully opened his eyes, and gazed upon the face of –

"DIB!" Zim fell back on his Irken butt.

"What'd you expect?" said Gir, making propeller noises as he "flew" a new daisy around like a plane.

End of part two


	3. Oooo, That Dib!

By animeninjaNIPPON

"Why did you kiss me?" Dib asked angrily, glaring at a stunned-silent Zim. Zim blinked and stood up.

"Why did YOU enjoy it?" he retorted.

"That was my first kiss," Dib stated matter-of-factly. "I wanted it to be memorable."

"Well… was it?"

"I'll have a hard time pushing it out of my nightmares." Dib walked by Zim and continued his journey home. For some strange reason, that one line made Zim feel sadder than every remark the Tallest had made about him earlier that day. He watched silently as Dib walked away as if nothing had happened… then turn back around.

As soon as Dib became aware that Zim wasn't following him, he became embarrassed – and slightly insulted. "Aren't you going to pursue me, or something?"

"You think I want you THAT bad?" Zim snapped.

"You said you were going to marry the – " Gir started.

"I KNOW what I said!" Zim shouted. "But that's – the DIB!"

"You just get weirder and stupider every day," Dib remarked sadly.

"Shut up, HUMAN!" Zim turned back to Gir. "Come, Gir! We have to find an ELIGIBLE Earth-bride!" They turned and walked away.

"Zim's getting MARRIED to a human?" Dib tried to figure this out as he walked home but came up empty. He spent a long time thinking about it…

When he got home, he realized that "Mysterious Mysteries" was long over. Naturally, Gaz hadn't bothered to tape it for him. Crestfallen, Dib went up to his room to get ready for bed. Before he could turn on the lights, he heard a tap on his window.

Dib went to his window and opened it, but no one was there – just a video cassette with "Mysterious Mysteries" and the date written on it. "This is today's episode," he noticed. "But who…"

Hiding behind a tree in Dib's yard, far beyond earshot, was Zim. "It's no coincidence that we ran into each other today," he noted. "All I need is a human bride to get back into the Irken rankings, and if I woo that Dib monkey, he'll no longer be a threat to me." He clenched his fist as his crimson eyes blazed like fire within. "And it'll be that much easier to conquer Earth!"

End of part three


	4. YOU!

By animeninjaNIPPON

Zim asked his computer yet again for courting advice, but it still came up with "insufficient information." So he stole some books and videos of old movies and tried to pull information from those.

"This is STUPID!" Zim yelled in frustration as he watched a black-and-white romance movie. "I've TRIED all this stuff before, and it doesn't WORK! Oh well, I'll just have to work with what I've got…"

The next day at skool, Dib was running late to class. However, the door was wide open… with Zim keeping it that way.

"Good morning, Dib-human," he greeted his foe with a cheesy fake grin.

Throughout the day, Zim gave elusive smiles to Dib, and even a little wave. Every little glance from the green boy made Dib's nervous system short-circuit. Nevertheless, Dib felt enthralled to be noticed, even though it was highly inconspicuous…

"Zim?" The Irken jumped at the sound of Dib's voice behind him. "I, uh…" he fished around for the right words. "Thanks for the tape."

"What are you talking about, Dib-scum?"

"That tape I got last night. I know you sent it."

"You know NOTHING, foolish human!" Zim pointed a finger at Dib, who grabbed the green boy by his outstretched arm and pulled him in.

"I know what you're up to – you think you can seduce me to make me change my mind about stopping you so you can take over Earth, huh?" Dib stared Zim down as the latter grew increasingly tense. "I've got it all figured out!"

"That's what YOU think!" Zim snatched his arm out of Dib's grasp. "I don't NEED you! I can have my pick of the Earth-monkeys, what with MY good looks…" He ran a gloved hand through his black wig as Dib let out a little laugh.

"Zim, you don't even have any friends."

"Neither do YOU!" Zim snapped back. "Dare I ask why YOU haven't selected a bride, DIB-WORM?"

"I'm too busy for a girlfriend," Dib replied bluntly.

"Hey, I've got things to do, too! Much more COMPLICATED things than YOU could ever fathom!" With that, he turned around and headed home.

About halfway toward his base, he turned abruptly to see if Dib was following him. He wasn't.

"I did what the books said," he mused out loud to himself, "I played hard-to-get. Yet somehow, he wasn't wooed…" He looked back again. "The Dib knows me too well…"

End of part four


	5. A Bride for Zim

By animeninjaNIPPON

Dib sat on one side of the couch reading a paranormal research magazine while Gaz sat on the other end playing her Game Slave 2. Suddenly, something came crashing through the roof. Someone, to be precise…

"Zim! Is that you?" Dib exclaimed.

"It is I, the mighty ZIM!" he announced, readjusting his crooked wig as he stepped out of the debris.

"I'm not even going to ask." Dib shook his head.

"GOOD, 'cuz I'm not going to TELL you anything!"

There was an awkward pause before Dib finally asked, "Why were you on my roof? Are you spying on me or something?"

"I am here to steal your metal chicken," he replied, holding up a wind vain. "But as long as I am here, I might as well give you my proposal."

Dib's eyes widened as his cheeks pinkened. "Proposal?"

"Yes! HERE IT IS!" Zim cleared his throat. "Join me, and I will make you IMPORTANT! We'll conquer entire PLANETS together!"

"I KNEW IT!" Dib shouted. "You ARE an alien, and you – "

Dib was interrupted by Gaz slamming down her GS2 on the couch. "Look," she growled, "I am on the last level of this game. It's very hard, and I need to concentrate, so SHUT UP!" There was dead silence for about three minutes, but once her GS2 was picked up, so was the conversation.

"You can't just marry one of your own?" Dib asked.

"Don't you get it, foolish human?" Zim yelled. "I am SUPPOSED to marry a human – "

"'Cuz if you don't, your leaders will kick you out of their empire for good," Dib interrupted sarcastically. He grinned, but his smile faded when the look on Zim's face showed that he wasn't far off in guessing such. "Whoa, you really are in trouble, aren't you?"

"LIAR!" Zim screamed, but it was clear that Dib had caught on.

Just then, Gaz put her GS2 down again, got up, and marched over to Zim. He stepped back in fear.

"Look," she yelled, making a fist, "I warned you. Now I'm going to give you one more chance. Shut your trap!"

"Marry me tonight, and I'll be silent FOREVER!" Zim dared to fire back. Dib dove for cover.

Gaz was about to snap, but instead a wicked smile spread across her face. "Give me an hour to finish this game, and I will."

Dib nearly hit the roof. "WHAT?"

"Deal," Zim agreed. "I'll give you exactly ONE Earth hour, and then you have to come with me." He thought about how all that wooing media was finally paying off.

"OK, whatever." Gaz went back to her game.

Dib sighed. "Zim's going to marry… MY SISTER!"

End of part five


	6. Do I?

By animeninjaNIPPON

An Earth hour passed like any normal Earth hour.

"All right, female, you agreed," Zim growled impatiently.

"Gaz, don't do this!" Dib cried out in horror. "He's going to marry you and take you to his home planet as a badge of honor to his alien race!"

Gaz glared deviously at her panic-stricken brother. "I'll play along with his little ceremony for a while. Then he'll shut up, and you'll shut up, and I'll be able to play my games in PEACE!"

"Anything you say, my scary Earth-…" Zim reconsidered that statement when Gaz's glare shifted from her brother to her fiancée. "Umm, let's go."

All Dib could do was sit there as his fiercest enemy led his sister away. Now the Earth was doomed, and doomed by his own blood at that. And deep down inside, there was something else that didn't want Dib to see Zim committed to anyone, human or otherwise, but he wasn't sure why as to the latter.

He picked up the "Mysterious Mysteries" tape Zim recorded for him the other day and decided to watch it again (for lack of a plan to crash the unholy union). It had been a really good episode, too – it was so nice of Zim to care when nobody else did, even if he was only using Dib…

Something came over Dib that made him drop the tape and head out the door, saying, "Plan or no plan, I've got to stop that wedding!"

Meanwhile, Zim stood (undisguised) in his base before the Tallest on his computer screen. Gaz – decked out in a blood-red wedding dress and veil – sat in Zim's computer chair, playing her GS2, apparently oblivious (or more likely, apathetic) to the alien activity around her.

"That's your bride?" Red snickered.

"Earth creatures are so… short," Purple spat with disgust.

"You said I could be an Invader again if I married one of the human scum," Zim replied.

"Very well." Red reluctantly opened a giant book that bore the Invader symbol. "Dearly beloved, we gather here today…"

"WAHOO!" Gir squealed, spinning his little black bowtie.

"Silence!" Zim screeched before turning back to the Tallest and standing next to Gaz, who was still absorbed in the video game.

"Do you, Zim, take this…Earthling…to be your intergalactic bride?" Red continued as Purple tried not to laugh.

Zim pondered that seemingly obvious question – did he really want to spend his remaining days with Dib's scary sister? Not really, if anything, he would rather end up with…Dib. The big-headed boy was, after all, the only one in the entire universe who took him seriously… and understood him. Zim hesitated.

"Hurry up and say it so I can go home," Gaz ordered.

Just then, Dib popped out of nowhere, screaming, "Don't do it, Zim!"

End of part six


	7. The Final Decision

By animeninjaNIPPON

Red put down his Irken Bible to stare at Dib. "That one's short, too!"

"And that head," Purple quipped.

"Zim, don't marry my sister," Dib continued.

"What are you afraid of? Having ZIM as an in-law?" He laughed maniacally before coughing and looking up at the computer screen. "Please continue, my Tallest."

"No, of losing you!" Dib blurted without thinking. His face turned as scarlet as Zim's inquiring eyes.

"You'd actually… miss me?" Zim warily walked over to the blushing boy. "This isn't some kind of trick, is it?"

"No, Zim!" Dib stepped up to the alien. "All I'm saying is, you're the only one who understands my cause, or even cares about it. Really, you're the only one who actually goes out of their way for me…" his face went fushia.

"True," Zim mused quietly, "I care about your mission because it directly involves me, but – " He straightened up. "Wait a minute – YOUR MISSION! That's why you don't have any friends! They think you're an obsessive FREAK!"

"No, that's not it. I just don't need any!" Dib snapped.

"Then why do you need me?"

"Friends would only slow down my research."

"LIAR! I know you, Dib, and I know how LONELY you really are!" He cackled hysterically. "ADMIT IT!"

"What did you just call me?" Dib tilted his head to the side and glared at Zim weirdly.

"That IS your name, isn't it?" Zim shrugged, blushing.

"I hate to break you two up," Purple sighed sarcastically, "but if you don't hurry up and marry SOMEONE, you can say goodbye to planet Irk."

Zim thought about this for a moment, then solemnly walked away from Dib and resumed his place by Gaz's side. He faced the Tallest, who were trying to keep straight faces. He looked them square in the eyes and said, "Who needs your race?"

"What did you just say?" Red was dumbstruck.

"I said, FORGET IT! I'd rather be marooned on this stupid planet with someone who cares about me than be the laughingstock of your 'SUPERIOR' Irken race!"

Purple gave a sleazy grin. "It sounds like ZIM wants to stay here with that big-headed Earth creature!"

"Maybe I DO," Zim admitted, "and maybe I'll start my OWN superior race!" He raised a fist to the computer screen. "FIND YOUR ENTERTAINMENT ELSEWHERE!"

The Tallest ceased to be amused. "You insolent fool!" Red yelled. "Fine, we don't care!" With that, the transmission between Irk and Earth was cut permanently.

"I'm outta here." Gaz threw off her red veil and left.

Zim stared at Dib awkwardly for a few minutes before asking, "Shouldn't you go home, too?"

"Nah," Dib replied casually. "I've got nothing to do."

Zim eyed him. "Oh REALLY, Mr. 'I'm too busy for a girlfriend'?"

Dib came closer to Zim, grinning rather sensually. "You're not a girl."

Zim smiled knowingly. "Now what?"

Dib slipped his hand into Zim's. "Do you like 'Mysterious Mysteries'?"

End of part seven  
End of story

* * *

Well, that's the end of that. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope I didn't disappoint anyone. I typed this last chapter at school, where everyone can see me, so I didn't have a whole lot of time to go over it again. Anyhoo, thanks for reading! 

animeninjaNIPPON


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